back EPISODE #7, JANUARY 2001 (Response is back after a two month hiatus. Our apologies. If the city/state are not listed after the letter, it's because we have no idea. words@bendpress.com) GEORGE W. BUSH? Date: 10/31/00 I always know it's you when I get an email that starts off, "Hey Banta." That's what I heard when my highschool football / english / history / coach yelled out me. ANYWAY... Oh, did I tell you my mom used to date George Bush? Well she did, and I think he is going to be our next president... don't know if that's good or bad. —Bret Banta, LA, California FECAL PUPPY Date: 11/1/00 Over the weekend, I took a shit and it looked EXACTLY like a new born puppy... All the way down to the not-yet-open eyes and feeble fetal positioning... I hesitated in flushing it, as if I was having a moral dilemma... I need to get a point and shoot camera. —Tony Larson, LA, California TWENTY THINGS DON IS AFRAID OF Date: 11/3/00 1) Spiders (on ceilings, in cracks, on my futon, etc.) 2) Heartbeat irregularities 3) Bowel irregularities 4) Nuclear war (a lingering childhood fear) 5) Onions (on or in any foodstuffs) 6) Materialization of actual ghosts/spirits, etc. 7) Dead things (see number six) 8) Corneal paper cuts 9) Mother birds on a dive attack under the pretense of defending their young 10) Sleeplessness 11) Oversleeping 12) Sleep apnea 13) Any kind of medical condition involving broken and/or clogged/blocked arteries or major veins 14) Fisticuffs with drunken rednecks (with or without weapons) 15) Any kind of parasitic worm/entity that could live inside my body without me knowing it or stumbling upon such a discovery 16) I have a serious fear of rejection that I'm becoming more accustomed to 17) Stuffed animals/clowns/toys coming to life for an attack 18) Any major or minor operation which involves perforation of skin 19) Any anesthesia or pain management resulting from (18), including prescription drugs. 20) And my biggest fear of all, Limp Bizkit. —D.P. [Don Pendleton, Dayton, Ohio] HOW'S THE FILM COMING? Date: 11/21/00 Jenkins, My film moves like a fat guy with a twisted ankle in front of you on the sidewalk. —Howe [Susanna Howe, LA, California] HOW'S THE TRANSITION COMING? Date: 11/21/00 My transition? Well, it hasn't really happened yet. It's just about to begin. I am excited a lot. A pinch of anxiety for good measure. I really like working here though, I learn SO much all of the time and get to be creative. I hope I find another job that provides me with those luxuries. The other day I came to work and had to draw a short comic. That was my task! It was like heaven. I've been skating with Bob K. lately. We might go to the Ollie House in Temecula tonight. It has been good times. My automobile got driven into by a limo-zine on friday at .3 miles per hour. I was sitting still waiting to turn the corner in a parking lot and he just drove right into me in slow motion. It was really funny. I mean, it's not funny now because I think they're gonna try and blame it on me or something. Cars seem to me like these badges of self importance and people get so serious in their cars and it's funny that we drive around in hurries. I just think cars are funny in general, so I had a hard time taking the "accident" seriously even though there was substantial damage to both cars. Nobody was hurt or anything so dreadful as that. Then today this lady told me to drop dead because I was riding my bike on the sidewalk on my way back from purchasing food for the company thanksgiving potluck. I was a good 15 feet away from her and not going very fast either. She had so many years and she looked like a stereotypical immigrant from the industrial era, and her words were like Russian snakes prying their way through her gritted teeth. Nobody has ever told me to drop dead before. It was marginally terrifying because of the immense strength of contempt she had in her voice. She was like a shape shifter or something. But, then, maybe she just got up on the incorrect side of the cot. But, how are you? —Lori Damiano, San Diego, California JUST WRITE Date: 11/22/00 Dear Mr. Jenk, Hello. My name is Ryan. I would like to b-come a journalist. Or writer. I once asked to interview you many years ago for a shitt-e 'zine I wrote for called: Lightning Bug Press. It was crap, I'll be honest. You were nice, tho'. You responded to our first round of questions but [your answers] probably exist in someone's drawer right now. We never got off our asses to continue, we were so despondent over the product, so I decided to finish collage instead. I tri-d to start another, my pet project, Tal Fulano. It's been hibernating for 2 years now but will eventually revolutionize the mighty 'n seedy world of journalism. Now I am a bum actor in San Francisco and working as THE freelance production assistant in a world filled with sky-towering dot coms. What would I like to do? you might ask yerself. Leave this awkward world behind and write. If you have any advice from your years of experience, I'd appreciate it. Otherwise, keep up the good work. "I Check the Mail..." was a great book. I'll buy "Valley" soon. —Ryan Gowland, San Francisco, California SARTRE SAID THAT? Date: 12/3/00 Andy, Teenage Smokers. Any good? No one I know would pay money. —Max Turno Opinions are like a certain part of the human anatomy which shall remain unnamed here (though Ed Templeton has most likely taken a picture of his—or his wife's). I'm not sayin' one way or the other. —Andy Date: 12/9/00 Maybe Sartre was right, in which case I think I'll go down to my local skateshop and see if they can get it for me. Book shops somehow fail me in this city. Motorcycle Man impressed me, thanks. —Max MIKE, TOM AND BOB Date: 12/4/00 Jenkins, Did you hear that Mike Reno died? I guess on a boat. I felt like a real jerk because I thought he was a real loser for always having that headband gimmick going. I mean, grow up, your band might want to try and make it on the merit of its music. Well, I guess my sad feeling for him lasted a whole 20 seconds. Sorry. I have a crush on Tom Brokaw. I don't care. I like Bob Woodward too. —Megan Baltimore, Torrance, California. DR. PENDLETON Date: 12/6/00 Andy, Me lately? I'm a full blown hypochondriac again. I hurt my back somehow and while healing, developed abdominal pains. I was convinced I had intestinal block, but waited it out. Then, I decided I had fallen victim to malabsorbtion and possibly had a serious B-Vitamin deficiency. Then back pains again involving some skipped heartbeats... and finally in the lunch room the other day, I used a dirty can opener and cut myself on the jagged lid. I was convinced all yesterday that I had blood poisoning or botulism or something. In the winter, my mind turns inside out and focuses on my body for some reason. Any ailment, pain, cramp, twinge, spasm or ache turns into cancer. I actually thought that I might have a spinal tumor because of a backache. At the time, it sounded like a pretty accurate diagnoses because my eyes were sensitive to light also. Did I ever tell you that I almost went to Med school? I'm so misguided... Anyway, good to hear from you... forgive my ramblings, I just thought someone should profit from my paranoia. —D.P. AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT... Date: 12/6/00 If popularity = temporary than do me a favor and keep bendpress as unpopular as you can... —Matt Leveque -. --- -- --- .-. . .--. --- .-. - .-.. .- -. -.. Date: 12/6/00 I am learning morse code. Did I already tell you that? My ma and pa know it. Morse code. They're ham radio operators. I'm gonna try to get my license. The stars collided and it looks as though I am not going to Portylandia. Sigh sigh, I am not blue. I made a new plan. It's a WAY better plan. It is going to make me smart. Right now I don't have a house. I am tiptoeing around in other people's living rooms and saving up for the new plan. The good news is that me and Bob K. get to go on unlimited bike rides now because he lives in my old room and is close by. .. -. -.. —Lori D. WAY TOO MUCH MONTEL Date: 12/6/00 Andy, You know how some companies give things like turkeys or hams or even cash bonuses out to their employees for the Holidays? Well, my gracious employer decided that instead of these, they had a better idea —a boot. Yep. One large, steel toed, freshly polished boot right up the keester. Nice, Huh? But now for the upside. I have spent so much of my time watching talkshows about people that are so far off that my unemployed life looks like a fantasy. Did you realize that there are actually people in this land of ours who are selling themselves to old men who have recently discovered, that in total defiance of nature, their penis can be erect way into their mid 100's. By the way, I was watching "Being John Malkovich" on one of the channels the other day and took the time to stroll through the credits. I had no idea you had a hand in that one. Nice job. If anything like that ever comes up again, feel free to call on me to help. I'll be the one with the boot in my ass. —Heath Balderston DON'T THINK ABOUT IT, JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION Date: 12/9/00 What would be the first thing you did, if you weren't afraid? —Willy McNeal SLOPPY GHOULASH Date: 12/10/00 grip of spaghetti (broken in 1/2) some elbow macaroni one can peas one can green beans one can Sloppy Joe sauce parmesan cheese Boil the spaghetti and mac for 10 minutes. At the same time heat the peas and green beans in another saucepan. Strain the pasta and return to pan, then add strained vegetables. Then add Sloppy Joe sauce. Heat at medium for five minutes, stirring to mix. serve and add parmesan cheese to taste. Makes three or four servings. —Mike Daily, The Valley GOD BLESS CIVILIZATION Date: 12/14/00 If you feel dumber after seeing this, I'm sorry. —Michael Leon, Los Feliz, California ONE WOMAN'S GARBAGE... Date: 12/14/00 Hello Andy, I would love to see your quilt after you have finished it. I try to organize the trash I collect and one section that I have is handwritten notes so I was very excited to discover that you were making a quilt entirely out of this. The biggest obstacle in making items from trash is the collecting/ gathering of it. It takes hours, days, months (or 10 years) of searching to find enough that I am attracted to, to make a quilt of, sometimes I just settle and making a pillow. A friend insisted I check out an issue of Harper's that pictured a quilt in it made of empty drug bags found on the streets of New York, now either this guy spent lots of time scouring the streets finding these bags or he does a lot of drugs or he knows people that do a lot of drugs. It was machine sewn on the outside/ top of the quilt, no hidden stitches. I have also seen a quilt made from comic book pages and then embroidered on the top, following the illustrations on the pages. Your quilt made my day maybe we can start a trash/discarded paper quilting bee. —Edith Abeyta, LA, California BATHROOM TALE #451 Date: 12/15/00 Jenk, This week at work I had the misfortune of walking in on a woman in the bathroom while she was peeing. I grabbed my melon and groaned in shame as my female coworkers laughed. Now eye contact with the peeing woman has been flushed down the crapper, so to speak. The uncomfort of the thing is like a little headache. It's a nice day for a white wedding, —Oak Kelsey PERSPECTIVE Date: 12/27/00 If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following. There would be: 57 Asians 21 Europeans 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south 8 Africans 52 would be female 48 would be male 70 would be nonwhite 30 would be white 70 would be non-Christian 30 would be Christian 89 would be heterosexual 11 would be homosexual 6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth—all six would be from the United States. 80 would live in substandard housing 70 would be unable to read 50 would suffer from malnutrition 1 would be near death 1 would be near birth 1, only one, would have a college education 1, only one, would own a computer —Forwarded by Joan Vangieri, Palm Springs, California WE WILL MEET THESE FOLKS AT LEGOLAND Date: 1/2/01 OK, I just spent about 3 hours on your website (obviously not very busy in the New Year). It made me feel like this once-a-year-christmas-card-communication just isn't enough. I need to see someone who knew us before. Before jobs, kids, mortgage, the fucking PTA, for God's sake! Pick a day, ANY DAY. —Monika (and Kevin) Stout, San Diego, California LOOK INTO MY MONITORS Date: 1/7/01 Andy, My great grandfather died the other day. He was 101 years old and lived by himself in the middle of nowhere, with no running water or anything. A real rugged old Russian dude, grandpa Tereshuk was. My mom decided to inform me of his death by way of e-mail: "My mother phoned yesterday to say that my Grandfather had died that day. Uncle Johnny wants me to do the eulogy. The funeral is probably on Wednesday and so I am going to fly to Prince George and back the same day. Dad said that he would drive me (if I wanted) but the roads might be bad and it's quicker and easier this way. I'm going by myself." Pretty fuckin weird, huh? She might as well have just sent a telegram. —Bob K. SKATEBOARDING AND FLOURESCENTS Date: 1/15/01 If you are serious about working in the skateboard industry, I have a suggestion:  In southern California, there are thousands of apartment complexes. Nearly every one of the units within these complexes has flourescent-type lighting. This type of lighting requires a "break-in" period in order for the light to work at an optimum level. This break-in period can be sped up by standing below the lights and waving your arms rapidly. This is what you could do. I think you may find it satisfying, and fulfilling. You would also have a chance to peek under cabinets and pet strange animals.  God I admire you for this courage. —Phil Esbenshade HOSTESS DONETTES Date: 1/01/01 When I was 15, I used to work on weekends with my uncles. They owned a couple of badly beat up Elgin "Pelican" street sweepers (built in Elgin, IL, home of early freestyle spot The Tubes). They had a sweeping and striping business, and I would help them paint parking stalls in giant mall parking lots and such. The sweepers were stored in a rented warehouse which was incredible. It was parceled out in 10,000-foot lots of space, rusting girders holding up the ceiling, tons of random rooms, ducts, mountains of Happy Birthday napkins... all manner of weird, forgotten shit. Some cavernous rooms were totally empty, except for a folding metal chair sitting in the middle. The General Dynamics corporation was across the street, a barbed wire and magnetic scan card perimeter. They made missile defense equipment. They actually used part of the warehouse for storage, and once, exploring where we shouldn't have been, we pulled back a tarpaulin and found a full scale sleek-nosed battle tank constructed out of plywood. We backed away from it like it was a cobra, afraid that the CIA would drop out of the ceiling and arrest us. Anyway, this warehouse was swarming with stray cats. Dozens of them. They were there for the rats, and the free space. My uncles would buy bulk bags of cheap cat food and empty the contents into a heap on the floor and the cats would shoot out of the corners and go crazy for this stuff. One-eyed, three-legs, oil-stained fur, no tail, badass industrial wild cats. One Saturday morning I was down there and found a bag of petrified stale Hostess mini powdered donuts. They were light and airy, but hard as Pennsylvania Dutch pretzels. Powdered sugar still in tact. I lofted one of the mini donuts in my hand and scanned the room for a target. "Bet you can't hit that cat over there..." my uncle Joe tempted. It was way out of range... lurking near a stored 1974 Dodge with flat tires. 50 yards. The cat turned to walk away, I cocked back and fired the donut. Its white coating shone like a tracer bullet as it arced through the warehouse and hit the cat square in the exact center of its anus. The cat jumped three feet straight up and made a satisfying yowl, vanishing into the shadows. It was a million to one shot, perfectly executed. That's what I think of when I think of Hostess powdered Donettes. —Lew [ Mark Lewman, Carlsbad, California] DEAR MUSTACHE GROWERS Last year, during our Holiday Mustache Growing Contest Fundraising Drive, Mustaches for Kids raised over $900.00 for the Make-A-Wish Foundation by growing mustaches between Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year we would like to exceed that figure and we would like your help. Essentially, participants grow mustaches and get sponsors for their facial hair. Proceeds will be donated to the Los Angeles Make-A-Wish Foundation®, which "grants the wishes of children with life-threatening illnesses to enrich the human experience with hope, strength and joy." The rules of the contest are outline below. If you have any questions, you can leave a message of the Mustaches for Kids voice-mail, 323-551-0827 or e-mail us at: mustachesforkids@hotmail.com We hope we can count on your participation and support. Sincerely, —Mustaches for Kids back