| back MONKEY COUNTRY by Tony Larson I love apes and I love monkeys. I'm amazed by their faces. I want to hold their little fingers and give them pedicures, because, oh my God, they look just like us. If there's a monkey in a movie or a commercial, I love it. The commercial is better because of it. I watched a TV special on a chimp that could pretty much talk to it's trainer. It had a 1000 word vocabulary, using sign language. Every kids' dream. A pet that you can hang and talk shit with. You know this is true. However... They've got zero grasp on anything even approaching civilized behavior and they're totally insane. Nuts. One small spider monkey could so easily destroy your whole apartment in the time it would take you to get his little pants out of the washing machine. This madness is fascinating to most of us. If I'm at a zoo, I'm looking for the primates and I'm sorry dear friend of mine who has accompanied me, but I'm sitting here for three hours to watch these fuckers. Maybe longer if they're really freaking out. Now, I'm not sure if it's because I'm looking for it, but I've had some pretty radical monkey encounters. Most of them have been at the zoo, but I've had a few of them in public and two in a rainforest. Lucky for me, I grew up in San Diego, famous for its Zoo and Wild Animal Park. Both places have real nice primate viewing; the Zoo holding the monkey advantage (lots of species and you can get pretty close ) while the Park's Silver-Backed Gorilla and Pygmy Chimpanzee enclosures give it a lead in the ape (apes are the ones that don't have tails) department. During one visit to the Zoo with my girlfriend, we found ourselves staring at a large group of people excitedly gathered around one of the monkey cages. As we approached we could hear various affirmations, observances and collective "ooohs" and "aaahhhs" about this particular species. "Mommy look, he sees me!" "Why is his butt so red?" "No he doesn't, he looks like you." "Why can't we jump like that?" There was a genuine excitement and interest swinging through the crowd. On tip toes, my girlfriend and I held each others shoulders, stretched our necks and poked our eyes through the occasional break in the crowd. We knew that the monkeys could decide to stop the big show at any time, so our efforts weren't without a small amount of anxiety. We finally secured a good vantage point, right smack dab in the middle of the throng. The crowds' interest was validated. Like miniature Charlie Chaplin ninjas on meth, the monkeys (to this day I'm not sure what species they were) created a manic scene. They were all out and they were all swinging, jumping, pruning, chasing, laughing, hiding—it was fucking playtime dammit! This was rare. We had scored. The monkeys worked the crowd like rockstars. We were putty in their hands. For every monkey that went flying across the cage in full surprise attack mode, there was one staring right at a spectator; trying to communicate, connect. I imagined their thoughts; MONKEY THOUGHT #1: "You are my brother but you are not that far removed from me, lowly human. I have proof. Bellevue, Camarillo. Cuckoos' nests, monkey cages, all of them..." I was hooked and trying to convince my girlfriend that we were really lucky. "Seriously honey, this is cool. Usually you'd have to wait here until sunrise to see this... isn't it awesome?...honey? I'd lost her. And we were only twenty minutes in. with hours to go. She just wasn't feeling it. "They're cute, Tony, they really are... We don't want to miss the seal show though, right? It starts in a little while." Seal show?! Fuck the seals! They don't do shit. I nearly covered her mouth with my hand, fearing the monkeys might overhear. MONKEY THOUGHT # 2: "So Tony, just who is in charge in this relationship? Woman wearing the pants, is she? Seals are soooo passé. I guess we'll just stop the show..." "NO!" I yelled. "What? Fine, I'll go by myself... whatever." "No, no, I wasn't talking to you." What was I going to do? The monkeys were waiting. Balancing ball on the nose? I don't think so. Imagine my surprise, when just before I was about to cut her loose, the monkeys turned on me. An eerie screech, then dead silence. The jungle bounced the sound through its limbs. The giraffes, hyenas and parrots all cocked their heads. Everyone in the crowd stopped laughing and pointing. "Tony, those monkeys are staring at you. Why are they doing that? It's kind of weird. Lets go..." I laughed nervously, "No they're not... they're just, ah, taking a break. You'll see." She could hear the worry in my voice. A couple of these monkeys were definitely not happy with me. Slowly, people started to turn around and look at us. People pulled their kids closer or just left all together. Then, using the same energy they had performed with earlier, they began violently running at the front of the cage, throwing themselves into it, and then running back. Staring at me the entire time. "Holy shit. They don't like me." MONKEY THOUGHT #3: "You are so lucky I'm in this cage... ooooohh, if this cage gives just a bit, I will rip your ears away from your skull and skip them across that lagoon." They took it to the next level. Some of them hung onto the front of the cage with all four hands, pulling and pushing it with all of their might. Some began to fight each other, biting and scratching. Others ran at me, screeched to a halt then showing me their bare asses. "Gross...! Oh my God, that is sick...Tony, let's go, NOW!" She was done. I couldn't move. They were beginning to display strange acts of domination. All I could see were red asses and nutsacks. It was amazing. I had to get to the bottom of this (sorry). The crowd had thinned to the two of us and a couple of curious teenagers. This was the closest they were getting to porno. "Cool... those monkeys rule." But the alpha-male had had enough. The tribe was in danger. It was time to handle the situation. MONKEY THOUGHT #4: "It's time to talk to this asshole. Time to let him know that he needs to turn around and walk away. Walk away now or run for the rest of your life. WALK AWAY NOW OR RUN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" MONKEY THOUGHT #5: "That's it." As if I had insulted their entire species, every male in the cage instantly stood on their hind legs and threw themselves into a violent jerk-off, masturbatory rage. They were beating their bishops! At me! Asses, whacking, testicles, pissing, more whacking. I became weak. The teenagers looked at me in disgust and fled. I turned to my girlfriend. She wasn't blinking. The 1000 mile stare. She had seen enough. "Oh... My... God!" The cage was now anarchy. My girlfriend pulled me and mumbled something about a trainer coming. I was dazed. As we backed away, tripping over each other, I could still see the chaos but I couldn't hear anything. My girlfriend's mouth was moving in slow motion. It was like driving away from a riot. I imagined the trainers approaching in formation, gas masks on, shields up, intent on subduing the whacking mass. "We can just make the seal show." "Yeah... seals... seals are pretty cool... you know, they're real smart." |