back RAT by Megan Baltimore There had been some talk that people had seen a rat around the warehouse and in the production room. I was sure it was a mouse and that it was being called a rat to enhance the story. For some reason, it’s more acceptable to be afraid of a rat. And I would be afraid of a rat. My older brother told me several times when I was growing up, any animal larger then a finch could kill you if it got mad enough. I asked a fellow member of the staff that had seen “the rat” about how big it was. He used his hands and indicated that it was the size of a small lion cub. He is the same 26 year old staff member that has thought he was having a heart attack on three separate occasions so I went back to my notion that it was a small mouse and there was nothing to be afraid of. Skip to Saturday and I am in the office all by myself. I have forgotten about the mouse at this point. Partly because it’s just been busy and partly because the demonstration of the size of this animal was so ludicrous it put a void on the whole story. I went into the production room to make a copy and as I hit the light switch, an animal just shy of being the size of a Labrador Retriever runs by at speed. I ran back down the hallway and jumped on to the couch in the reception area. I couldn’t reach the phone so I had to then climb onto a low wall. I stood atop the low wall and called several people only to get their voice mails. I called Rick and told him if he didn’t call me back within 60 seconds I was going to call the fire department for help. I hung up and called the fire department. I know. I know. “Torrance Fire Department, is this an emergency?” she sounded nice, I told the truth. “Not really, I mean it is, but it isn’t a fire.” I was hoping she would want to help just from the sound of the fear in my voice. “Is it an emergency?” She won’t understand the situation I am in, I know it. I tried to think of ways that the rat could be worked into a situation where the fire department could be needed. I thought maybe I could say it was near our pilot light or that it was near the water line that is attached to the fire alarm. I decided I would just try to appeal to her honest understanding side, which I soon found out she didn’t have. “I know this sounds lame but there’s a huge rat in my warehouse and I’m here all by myself.” The next thing that came out of my mouth was so stupid... “I think it could really hurt or maybe even kill me”. She fucking hung up. I hit re-dial. “Torrance Fire Department, is this an emergency?” It was a man this time so I decided to just appeal to a man. I calmed down. I told him about the rat and I explained that I know this isn’t the job of the fire department but I am really frightened and if there aren’t a bunch of fires right now or there are any firemen hanging around, maybe could they come by and take a look. I also said some stuff about how firemen are always so helpful and that was why I thought it might be OK to ask them for help on this. He said yes! I jumped from the low wall to the couch and unlocked the front door. I waited on the front steps until the fire truck pulled up. Once they pulled up I realized the depths of what an idiot I can be when I am scared. I got this rush of humiliation thinking that Jenkins or Leon would pull up and I would be there with the fire department. But that humiliation soon faded from the joy I felt of having all this help to deal with the rat. The first fireman out of the truck said “What’s the problem?” Why did he have to ask that? Like they didn’t talk about how lame I was on the way over. “Would be alright for you to help me with the rat.” He looked sort of sympathetic. Not in a good way, like he understood me, more in a way that he thought I truely needed help. Like medication or something. “What is it you think we can do to catch a rat?” His questions were tough to answer. “I just thought you might have some sort of a tool or something to...” “Kill it?” “Well, I didn’t want him killed but if you have to kill him to get him out of the building...” He asked me how did I know it was a “he” and they all broke into laughter. Even though I knew it was at my expense, I didn’t care because they were at least warming up to the whole situation. I explained to them how to get to the area where I saw the rat and then I waited in the parking lot while they looked around. I could hear them laughing really loud every few minutes. After about ten minutes, a few of them came out to the parking lot and announced they could not find the rat. They showed me the hole where they thought a rat could squeeze through and they put a temporary patch over it. They gave me a short lecture, in a very nice tone, about how they can’t be called for situations like this. Then one of the firemen explained to me that unless you corner an animal, they really are more afraid of you then you should be of them. I thanked them, apologized and promised I would not call them again unless there was a fire. Then Rick called and gave me the same sort of speech and then asked, “What if we have a real fire and we have to call them?” I guess they’ll know how to get here. Sorry. This story originally appeared in Wallride #3. ©2002 Megan Baltimore